Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I know what he looks like (I've got pictures! Can't post them yet for safety reasons.) I know what physical state he is in (very healthy for a newborn with DS). I know how he is eating (very well, but his "granny", as I call her (host home woman) is trying different formulas on him because he is pooing everything right out and has a raw bum. I know when I should be able to bring him home (after parents rights are terminated on Monday, after judge approves his adoption, and after interstate approval). I know so much. I know everything except...if we will have the money to bring him home. I don't even know for sure when I will know this answer. Hopefully by Monday. The anxiety has my stomach in knots.
The unknown has always bothered me. I suppose it bothers everyone. It usually keeps me from eating (I'm eating just fine, though.). I lost 25 lbs when I was getting a divorce from my first husband from the anxiety of the unknown. Of course, I weighed 150 and 125 looked GREAT on me! Hahaha. Still, it was no fun. I remember in 2001 when my (forever) husband was on his way home from a deployment in the Navy. He had been gone 6 months and we missed him terribly. Then, September 11 happened. Our "date daddy will be home" went away and I was faced with "the unknown" of when he would be home, not to mention the fear the 9/11 put into my heart. He ended up coming home only three weeks later, but in that time I lost 15 lbs.
We were told by the grant organization that we should have no trouble getting the grant and that they will try to hurry things along because our agency wants payment by the time baby is placed. THAT is what I hold on to. "There should be no trouble." That and the Lord's promises to me. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) Still, I worry. I go over and over in my head verses from the Lord about NOT worrying, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5) "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." (Philippians 4:6) But still, I worry. I've prayed for peace. Still, I worry. This is a Christian grant organization, too...so I shouldn't worry, right?
I don't know how those who adopt internationally do it. I don't think they get to know as much as I do (I have detailed medical reports AND I get to speak to "granny" anytime I want!). They have MANY thousands to raise before they can bring their little one(s) home. I heard of one family last week who did everything in the world to save their little boy, only to be told, "No," by the judge in that country. That judge thought it better that the child die in an institution than be saved by a family that would love him. That brings me to tears and SO MUCH frustration.
Anyway...I need to get busy. I have much to do to prepare for what I CHOSE TO BELIEVE is going to be our new baby boy.