It took the kids to Awana and dropped off my daughter and start heading home. My 3yo son was still in the van with me. We were heading home and I was going to put on Nemo for him and work on my "cleaning schedule," on the computer while he watched.
I couldn't find a song I liked on the radio. I was flipping around. I landed on, "Our Lips Are Sealed," by the Go-Go's...remember them? So, I'm singing that and just not enjoying it, really. It reminds me of the old me. All of those old songs do. All of them. I always "think" it will be fun to listen to them, to sing along with them. But, they always take me back to the waste-case that I was. The lost, living-only-for-the-next-party, only really caring about myself, not knowing what real love was person that I was. Such wasted time...
So I tune back into Air 1...and this song comes on...
I love this song. As soon as my friend Brian sang it at church a couple of weeks ago, I fell in love with it. This song speaks the truth. You know, we are told to dwell on the truth:
Philippians 4:8 (King James Version) "8Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."I understand why. Lies are so harmful...SO HARMFUL. When we listen to them enough, we start to believe them.
This song came on and reminded me of who I really am...how I "am" new...I was thinking about the words...how I needed them to be more true in my life...and how I'd really like to believe them more and not "go back to Egypt" so much...and then BANG!!!!...I hit a dog.
Just as the song ended, I hit a dog. A big, black dog. I didn't even see him until he was RIGHT THERE. I slammed on the breaks, but it was too late. I covered my mouth (so that I wouldn't scare my 3yo...hopefully) and started screaming. I turned the van around. I couldn't believe how hard and scary it was to do that. I was terrified of looking at what I had done. TERRIFIED. I really didn't want to see. The poor thing just lay in a heap by the side of the road. I went to the nearest driveway and found the owner (home with his kids...I start to cry...) and apologized through my tears. He was very understanding after the initial shock wore off (at first he stared at me for about 5 seconds...I wasn't sure what he was going to say). "Don't worry about it. It's not your fault. I had a feeling this would happen to him sooner or later." What a nice man. I drove him back down his long driveway to where his dog lay. He was still breathing, but I don't think he was going to make it.
I went home and called my husband and cried my eyes out. "I'm on my way home," he said. Such a good man.
I can't believe I killed a dog. Someone's pet. Those kids are probably crying themselves to sleep tonight. I felt so awful. It was like a huge slap in the face. "See!!! You aren't new...you're STILL a killer." Satan telling me another of his wonderful lies, right?
Well, hate to disappoint...but I don't believe it. Back off.
So, I feel bad...but I am still new and being remade every day.
I had to go back out to pick up my kids an hour and a half later. I had to drive right past the same house. I had a nice talk at church with our local vet. He helped me feel better, too, saying that I did the right thing and it wasn't really my fault.
Then...I came home to a nice surprise in my email box. It was from an adoption agency I had emailed (I sent out a LOT of emails this week...probably about 100 or so to just about every adoption agency in New England!) and said, Yay! Another "maybe" for next week! Thank you, Lord...for happy emails.