Why am I chasing rainbows?

Well...lots of reasons. What do I mean by "chasing rainbows?" I mean, going after things, working for things, that have something at the end that I want. That's what life really is, isn't it? Chasing after what we want; running a race. For me, as a Christian woman, I am praying that what Jesus wants will be what I want. That's the trick, though, knowing whether or not something is my will, or His?

The rainbow I am currently chasing, is adding to our family. Adding a new child. I am ready for a new baby. Usually, by the time our youngest is about 3, I am ready for the next one. My youngest turned 3 in September. :o) This time, it will be one that needs a new home.

I have been, however, traveling down different paths in this rainbow. It started with me wanting my husband to get a reversal (he had a vas. just after baby #5 was born). He thought about it, but then decided he didn't want to do that. Plus, pregnancy and I don't get along very well. I love the end result, though! Then we decided to go through the foster system and become licensed foster parents. We became licensed at the end of August. I want a new baby. One that I can keep and not have to give back. However, with foster care, that is not always a guarantee. I know many families that have adopted that way, but most had to go through a lot of heartbreak and roller-coasters of emotions to get there. That scares me a bit. While waiting, I thought I would look at the adoptuskids.org site and see if any children there might be a good fit for us. I actually found a sibling set of 5 that I was crazy about! But, my husband (and me, too, really) said no way could we handle that. He's probably right. It sure is hard to wait for a new baby through the foster system. :o) However, I am actually ok with it. I have a lot to keep me busy with my other 5 sweetie pies. ;o)

Then...I was shown. I don't even remember how I first came across the Reece's Rainbow site. I do remember that I glanced at it a few weeks ago, not really reading much up on it. I thought the kids were real cute! Down Syndrome, though? Gosh, could I handle THAT?

Then, last Friday, I came back to the site. I started reading blog posts like this one and this one. I could not BELIEVE what I was reading. WHAT???!!! These children are basically LEFT TO DIE?! They DIE if no one adopts them? I watched this video, and that was it. I actually ran my fingers through my hair and grasped my head while shaking it back and forth and said through my tears (I probably would have screamed had my children not been in the next room), "No! No way can this be happening! No way can this be happening!"

Now I consider myself "in the knowing." Isn't that odd? One week ago, I was ignorant. Eh, I had heard a little bit about things like this...but it never really got to me. It was never so personal. Now, I know. And now, I am responsible. I can NOT do nothing. Yes, I can step away from this computer and go play with my kiddos (in fact, I would be neglecting my family if I didn't), or watch a movie, or sit and crochet while my 3yo boy sleeps in my lap (sigh :o), sit at the dinner table with my husband and children and enjoy a great meal...but still, I know. Anything that even relates to someone suffering, abandoned, or desperate catches my attention. As my 8yo lies in my lap, I stroke his face and think of "them." NO ONE is stroking their sweet faces. They are screaming inside...maybe even outside. NO ONE is cuddling them. NO ONE is showing them what love really is. NO ONE...unless someone does something.

And people ARE doing something...but not enough people. OH, I could SCREAM!!! In fact, I am screaming...just on the inside. I would scare my children if I let it out.

So, these are my rainbows. I am, of course, naming this blog after Reece's Rainbow...because...well...I know.

My prayer tonight: "Dear Lord, just show me what to do here. I know you want me to act, and I am...just guide me. You know I have to follow my husband's lead as well...I can't do this without him. I can, however, step out in faith and trust that you will guide me into Your will. If you want me to spread the word about these children, so be it; if You want me to give my money, so be it; if you want me to go out and rescue some of them, then move my husband's heart...and provide the way. I am yours. I'm not perfect for this job...but I am yours, always."